Poetry, take 2?

Martyr for Sale

You cry on me and weigh me down.

In the past

I’d have kept asking for more,

But not this time. 

I’m tired of asking,

“Where’s my shoulder?”

“Where’s my ear?”

Where can I get a martyr of my very own?

Someone to listen to my every complaint, my every word,

To be at my beck and call.

I’ve checked e-bay, and even Amazon,

But they’re all out of stock.

I bet they’ve got one at Wal-Mart.

I call customer service and ask for

“Self-help”,

But the lady on the other end “just started here”

And isn’t sure.

She passes me off to a man who says,

In monotone,

“Use the non-committal entrance; make a left by the passive aggressives,

Continue on until you see the obsessive-compulsive aisle, and make a sharp left. 

The martyrs will jump out at you.”

I thank him for that little help, and hang up the phone.

Save Money. Live Better. Walmart.

Remember that time...

...I realized I was a fucking moron?
Oh, yeah, me too.

The Rapture

Well, Peeps, if you're reading this, you're a heathen just like me.  Congratulations and welcome to the club.  Looks like Heaven isn't really in the cards for us anymore... so we'll just have to party it up in Hell! Mwaahaahaa.

Sike.

Yes, I did bring back "sike".  Don't judge me.

Seriously, though.  I know everyone's all blah blah blah the Rapture blah blah blah global earthquakes blah blah blah save the righteous, and I'm a little bit over it, but before I decree the end of this boring topic, I need need need need to tell you about another "why me?" that I had a few days ago...

Dani and I were chatting the other day at Lisa's graduation.
(You'll remember Dani from the Bingo Epidemic.)

We were having a conversation about The Rapture, making jokes and whatnot, when some innocent-looking lady turned around and smiled at us.  I thought nothing of it and continued making jokes about calling the pet store for 2 of every animal, and lesbian gerbils*.

Innocent-looking lady slows her step and tries to keep pace with me and the Why me? conversation goes as follows:

Lady: You seem to know a lot about religion.
Me: Yes, ma'am, I do.  I studied religion in college and was raised Roman Catholic.
Lady: That's really nice.  Do you believe in Heaven?
Me: Yep.
Lady: Do you think that you're going to go to Heaven?
Me:  No, probably not.
Lady:  I can tell you the secret to get into Heaven, would you like to know?
Me:  Cool.  Is it, like, a magic trick?
Lady: No.
(She starts to get annoyed here with my lack of acceptance of her biblical bullshit.)
Lady:  All you have to do is accept the Lord God, Jesus Christ into your heart and ask for forgiveness.
Me:  Really, that's it?  So, if I went out and robbed a bank, and then just said I was sorry, I'd be forgiven?
Lady:  No.  You have to mean it.
Me: Oh, well I probably won't mean it.  Oh well.

Seriously, I don't even take religious pushing from my grandmother and I love her.  Why would I listen to some lady I don't know try to "save" me?  No thanks.

Billy Joel said it right, I'd rather laugh with the sinners that cry with the saints, sinners have much more fun.

Plus, I've seen the movie "Saved".  I know what happens.
------
*btw - I have two female gerbils, Lucy and Zoe, and they're lesbians -- they live together, sleep together, and cuddle.  It's the 21st century, I feel like the Rapture should be gay-friendly.

Customer of the Day Award

Why me? 


Today's "Crazy Customer of the Day" goes to you, crazy lady w/ the steel gray hair on her way to Bible Study.

Congratulations!  Thank you for reminding me that "would you like anything else" really means, "Why yes, please tell me all about how Obama is destroying the world with his new Socialized Healthcare, how global warming doesn't actually exist, and how the center of the Earth is only 2,000 degrees."

Also, thank you for recommending me two readings on Republican issues so I can better inform myself of how our country should be run, and filling me in on details of "the Rapture".

I am truly in your debt.

The Best Four Years of Your Life

Ladies and Gents, this week's Indie Ink Challenge prompt comes from my good friend Alyssa (which I knew would happen eventually, since I challenged her in her second week).  This week I tried to stray a bit from my comfort zone (which usually involves humor of some kind), so I hope that I've done her justice.  The prompt will be at the end. 

I challenged Sir for the second week in a row, so once you're done here, you can go on over there and see if he's surviving week #2 of Sunshine.

***

Everyone sat sharp in their seats, straight backed, eyes forward, and hands fastidiously documenting everything being said.   She, on the other hand, sat in the back row, lounging disgracefully in her seat, picking at chipped nail polish, acting as if she were bothered to be in attendance.  To be honest, it wasn’t as if she had to be there; she chose to be.  It wasn’t as if anyone would mind if she left; they weren’t there for her entertainment.  

She listened, though, even as she appeared to be unfocused, she listened to the rest of the room talking in turn about things they’ve learned.  I’ve learned to do my homework. I’ve learned time-management.  I’ve learned that Liebler’s Shakespeare class is no joke. I’ve learned that I really need to do the readings.  I’ve learned that flirting with Jake in the Library is definitely worth it, since he does my algebra take-home tests.

She yawned and rolled her eyes, squirmed a bit, and took to drawing on the toe of her black Converse sneaker.

A hushed silence came over the room, making her look up from her own little world.  The professor repeated the question directed at her:  what have you learned throughout your college career, young lady?

She sat quietly for a moment, determining whether or not she’d like to share.  

The silence became uncomfortable.   Really uncomfortable.  

When finally they couldn’t take anymore, the other students started to whisper in low murmurs, which might have caused them to miss the beginning of what she had to share.

 “A lot, actually.  I've learned that having a roommate is supremely unexciting.  I’ve learned that no one is going to have your back 100% of the time.  I’ve learned that drinking at a frat party while you’re pledging a sorority is only what the sheep do to pretend that they’ve got personality.  I've learned that the kid who sits in the back of my Spanish lecture really hates to be called “Jose” when his name is “Joe”, but puts up with it because he needs a good grade.  I’ve learned that the only place you can get a decent cup of coffee is from the kiosk in the lobby of university hall, and the only people who visit the “Red Hawk Diner” are freshman or drunk.

I’ve learned that I am smarter than some of my professors, and have been since I was in the 7^th grade. I’ve learned that all the classes that I’ve taken during my 4 years of college are complete bullshit, and that they’re not going to help me in the slightest when I get “into the real world”.  I’ve learned that time management is a necessary evil, and that it is really the only useful thing I’ve gotten out of my education.

You know what I would have liked to learn?  That I should have saved my money for a place to live when I find out that I’m not going to be able to get a decent job right after graduation.   What would have helped would be taking classes on how to interview, how to impress potential employers, and how to develop self-confidence rather than fear.  I would have liked to learn that someone in the school system cared for something more than their paycheck.  I would have liked to learn of someone who was there to guide and advise students as to what field they might be interested in studying, or what kind of life they'd like to lead once they graduated.  

It would have been helpful to learn that after high school, the next four years of my life would be spent doing bullshit busy work that old rich people find acceptable in exchange for taking $20,000 dollars of me and my parents’ hard earned money, not just now, but for the next ten years.  That’s what I would have liked to learn.  Thanks a million, Useless State University”.

The class was stunned into silence.  No one said a word, just letting her words sink in... until someone on the other side of the room said, "thank you, valedictorian of 2011."  

She went back to drawing on her shoe. 

***

Alyssa's prompt to me was: let's talk about college. write a story, fact or fiction, about the most important thing you gained/earned/received from those "best four years of your life.".

Lady off to China

Why me?

Is there a "Talk to Me" sign on written on my forehead in invisible ink?  I feel like there must be.

There I was, quietly sitting at a table in Dunkin Donuts, trying to enjoy my coffee and minding my own business, when a lonely-looking lady sits down with two cups of coffee.  She turns to me and says, "oh, are you waiting for someone?"

I smile politely and finish the sip of coffee that I just took, and respond that my friend works behind the counter and I'm just waiting for the line to die down so that we can talk again.  She says "that's nice" and tells me that she thinks I might work there, based on how I was dressed.  I say I just came from work, at a coffee shop, and that might explain things when she says that she knows where I work and starts sharing her. entire. life. story.

Some of the topics that she covered were:
*Her Philosophy group leader recovering from "cervical" tumor surgery on his neck.  (OMFG she said Cervical as opposed to Cerebral?)
*His recovery time, 3 months
*His daughter's not realizing how sick he really was
*Now Philosophy teacher holds down a job and a 1/2. (literally)
*She got a mani/pedi (by two different nail salons) because she has graduations tomorrow
*She finally went to the doctor about weight loss, and he put her on a diet
*It took her 2 years to get to this doctor
*She walks her dog a little longer these days.
*She lost 3lbs this week
*She's only been dieting for a week
*She already misses Ice Cream
*The only reason she went is because her mother (who is probably ancient) told her she'd take her to China and she is going to climb the great wall of China
*She will climb the great wall of China on September 2nd, 2011
*That is, if the world doesn't end on May 21st, 2011
*And she manages to clean her hourse
*Her "real" friends don't seem to mind a messy house, but they suggest that she have someone come in once a month to "dust"

This is the point where I called for reinforcements... aka... Leina. I expected crazy lady to start suggesting maybe I come over and help her, maybe get sucked into her dusty lair-o-doom and never get out.  This terrified me, and I needed to remove myself from the situation.  Thankfully, just ignoring her for approximately 3 minutes while she stared at me and begged me to continue our conversation finally threw her off her fucking creeptacular game.

So, again, I say... Why me?

Jealous

Peeps!

Lately, I have been wanting to update this thing I've got going on here, and I've actually started writing many posts to follow through on my idea of updating, but every time I start one, I manage to talk myself into a reason of why I should just delete it and start over later.

Usually it's because I'm pretty lame, and I'm afraid you'll all fall asleep before the end of the post.  You'll hit your head as it falls onto the keyboard.  Then, you'll start drooling, inevitably starting an electrical fire or something sinister like that.  I'll hear about all you people who were injured in a global (since I have a follower from the UK) epidemic (pandemic? one of them is worse than the other, but I don't have enough time to look it up, so we'll stick with epidemic), sources unknown, and then I'll feel guilty.

Anyway, I digress.

This was my first week back in the Indie Ink challenge, and I was really glad to be part of it again.  I love to write.  I love more that I have people that read what I write, whether it be good or bad or whatever.

Today I had an interview with America's Most Convenient Bank.  I''m hoping to hear back from the Human Resources lady this afternoon about an interview.  I keep crossing my fingers (toes, eyes, arms, and legs) that something is going to come through, so I guess really I have to feel content that I'm staying positive.

I have been blog stalking lately... I haven't had the "umph" to write my own posts, but I have been stalking others (including, but not limited to, Lilu, Mommy Wants Vodka, Jumble Mash, Everyday A, Mrs. Hyde, Sir, Alyssagoesbang, and My Plaid Pants).

I have come to the conclusion that:
1.) my blog is slightly more lame after reading everyone else's, and
2.) that I am super jealous of the level of tech-savvy that you peeps seem to have, and
3.) that I am even more pathetic for being jealous. :)

Ah, well. Who cares.  This is a broach into writing.  I promised myself at the beginning that I wouldn't hit the backspace* button at all in this post (except to correct spelling errors).

I'm going to call it a wrap on this one, because I feel that I just might be one of those people to suffer from that "unfortunate global epidemic" of falling asleep while I re-read this.

If anyone wants to email me with donations of time and effort and monotonous conversations with me about trying to explain how to make my page fancy, you can email me at ConnorsV1@gmail.com... I know My Plaid Pants has already tried to explain to me what the "Edit HTML" button does, but that went way over my head... I'm not sure if she's going to want to risk that kind of disaster converation with me again...

...but the rest of you peeps might.
mwahaahaahhaa.

If I could be a superhero...

It is Indie Ink time again.  I took some time off, but I've really missed being a part of this challenge, and a part of such an awesome group of people...

This week I was challenged by Dili with an awesome prompt that really made me think. You can find it at the bottom.  I, in turn, challenged Sir, whose story about an Oklahoma Biker Bar you can find here. 

***

Dear You-Who-Are-Lacking-In-The-Heroics-Department,

Doctor Mary F'ing Sunshine suggested that you write yourself a letter.  She wants you to try and lift yourself up, because "stress can cause mental difficulties to become physical deficiencies" or some bullshit like that. 

Really, I'd rather write her a friggin' letter, and explain to her that the life of a super hero isn't as glamorous as Marvel makes it out to be.  She says, in that nasal-y, disgusting, makes-you-wanna-cover-your-face-with-your-shirt voice that "a life of chaos is not really a life at all."  What does she know?  She wouldn't be complaining if she was the one to call me when her car was hanging off the side of a bridge, would she? No.  She'd be all "Oh, you're my hero!! Marry me! I love you!" to which I'd gag, pretend to cough up some dust, smile, and set her on her merry way.  

So I don't have a legitimate "home".  So I don't have a family here.  So what?!  I have myself, and at the end of the day, that's really all that matters.  I am going to write you this letter because you friggin' deserve a pat on the back.  It's not easy being a super hero.  This life isn't pretty, and not just anyone can do it. 

You. Are. Bad. Ass.  

You really are!  You have to be to put up with the public's shit day after day and night after night, with nothing more than an empty "thank you".  They think you do this all for fun! They think that it is your life's calling to serve them!  Boy, are they wrong.  They are just the catalyst for you to serve your penance.  Little do they know that your picture-perfect-front-page-sparkling-smile is just a facade... little do they know that you actually know what the word facade means!  Smug bastards.  

It's not really your fault that your "powers" are lacking lately. You're tired.  You're overworked and don't get a dime underpaid.  You're getting older.  It'd be nice if someone (Dad) would take some sympathy on you and wipe your slate clean... even prisoners on this planet get time off for good behavior! 

It's okay, though.  You'll survive.  You are meant for great things, and helping these little pissants are just a small part of that.  

So, I say to you, Oh-Amazing-One, take a break.  Use this time as a rest and a recharge, and use it well.  You don't get vacation time.  You don't get sick days.  You don't get bonuses.  You get spit on and laughed at and ridiculed if you can't do something right.  You are loved for a moment, and hated the next.  You can never win with everyone, so win this one for yourself.  Take a deep breath, drink some fuckin' pina coladas, get the hell out of dodge for a while, and relax.

Dr. Sunshine can shove it.  And so can anyone else who doesn't think the sun shines out of your ass.

Love, 

Your Biggest Fan,

Yourself

***

My prompt was "a superhero with no superpowers".

Give me... another trophy?

I made a big mistake!

I totally received an award from Jumble Mash when I guest posted over on her blog!

I am SOOOOOO sorry I didn't report this, but to be honest, I didn't know this was real.

Pssht. Whatever.  I am still awesome.

Click hereherehereherehere to read the post that I wrote for Ms. Jumble Mash!  It was Ha-larious. Thanks a bunch and even more.

Love,
Me (and Jumble Mash, I'm sure, for pimpin' her out a bit more)

Velvet Verbosity Challenge

I was blog-stalking, and found the Velvet Verbosity 100-word challenge, and the word-prompt this week was "Family".  So, I felt something in my gut, and I wrote it.

"Mom"

Love means never having to say you’re sorry, but knowing you should anyway.

There are so many things that I need to say to you, but you’re gone.  I will write you as many letters as possible until I feel I have said all the things I need to say, but I already know they won’t do any good, because you won’t be able to respond.  You won’t be able to say “I love you” anymore.  You didn’t say it much, anyway, but I know now I always knew.

Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood.

Milo the Cat

This is a fiction piece that I was inspired to write thanks to an offhand comment by my good friend My Plaid Pants about a Cat, a Car, and being stung by a bee.  Hope you enjoy it.

***

Boy, have I had a shitty day.

I' have overheard my people say, "Oh, to have the life of a cat!" sigh in awe of a life of no responsibility, plenty of relaxation and pampering, and treats, but I am here to assure you that life of a cat, especially in my case, is not, in fact, as easy as you might think.

Don't get me wrong, 99% of the time, my life is grand.  I spend my days lying in a pool of sunshine on the living room carpet, my paws stretched out far and wide, purring like there is nothing more satisfying than having my own private sunny island all to myself.  I spend my nights annoying the dog, knowing that she likes to sleep on the living room couch, so I swat at her tail and make her twitch.

She doesn't find it nearly as amusing as I do.

My troubles, however, started this morning.  One of my people, the "dad", left for work this morning pretty early -- earlier than he usually leaves, which is when it's still dark outside.  I, for one, don't understand why humans will get up and leave the house in the dark.  Don't they understand that there isn't anything that important that can't wait until daytime, if they have to go out at all?  Geez.

They haven't figured out yet that I like to hide near the door and plot my escape.  Well, maybe they have figured it out, but they can't stop me.  I'm a cat on a mission.  Anywho, so he left (in the friggin' dark), and I made my way out, too.  I was excited for my day of wilderness adventure.  Little did I know what was in store for me.

I made it out of the house and into the yard.  I skirted my way through the garden, climbed the recyclable can, and then jumped onto a low branch to take stock of my new kingdom.  There were a few birds in the tree, which I despise, so I hissed and took a swipe, and they left my tree.

Milo, +1.  Birds, 0.

Unfortunately, while I was trying to prove my superiority over the pesky birds, I got assaulted!  I don't think you can understand my plight.  Something bit my ass.

SOMETHING BIT MY ASS!

I made a guttural howl and booked out of there.  The vegetarian, or whatever they call the guy who tries to stick that stick thing up my butt, would later tell my people that I was "stung" by a bee, but I'm more inclined to believe that this "bee" tried to kill me and deserves sweet revenge.

Milo, 0.  Bee, +1.  Bravo, bee, bravo.  Just wait.

I tried to make myself feel better by prowling a little more, but sadly, I only made it to the street before I started to feel a little nauseous.  My stomach was churning, and I wasn't sure why.  I hadn't eaten anything in a while.  I jumped up onto the hood of this tiny car (and I mean tiny!  I can't even believe these gigantic-sized humans actually fit into this miniature car) and tried to lay in the sun a little bit.  I thought maybe the sunlight would make me feel better, but it turns out that jumping onto the car was what it took to make me sick.

Yep.  I totally ralphed on the hood of this little maroon car.*

Oops.

I managed to stumble home where the "mom" found me laying next to the door.  She took me to get help, ASAP and I'm finally fit as a fiddle.  The vegetarian prescribed lots of lounging in the sun, on the living room carpet, and swatting at the dog.  I think I can handle this for a while.

By the way...

Dear Miniature Car Owner, 
If you're reading this, you can leave the cleaning bill to the car in the big Maple tree on the corner of Alpine Boulevard.  Be sure to leave it in the care of "Pain in the Ass Bee Who Tried to Kill Milo".  
Sincerely,
Milo the Cat

*Don't worry, the vegetarian gave me a stick that was only slightly less painful than the attack by the ass-exploding bee, but it cleared my sickness right up.

Give me a friggin' trophy!

Peeps!!! There is some glorious news afoot!

No, I wasn't referring to the death of He Who Must Now Swim with Fishes... Though, to some this is much more glorious than anything I could ever share, but I digress...

Pencilgirl thought I deserved this!!! (look below)

I have never ever won an award before, and never ever EVER been called Stylish... just ask my friends... but this is ridiculously exciting to me!!! Just look at all the exclamation points that I've used thus far!!

As far as I know, I am supposed to share some facts with you loyal subjects... er, followers.... so I will do that. Then, I am to pass it on... I don't know how many facts, or how many pass-on's I'm supposed to give, but... I'll just make it up :) Go me.

Facts:
-I am addicted to emoticons. ( :) =) =/ <3 =P etc).  If we are texting, you can be sure that you will see AT LEAST one per message...
-I try to refrain from using them in blog posts because I feel like they disrupt my ideas.
-I speak Jiberish.
-Idigi cidigan idigalsidigo tidigype idigit. (I can also type it.)
-I have all the words to Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby memorized.
-I don't like chocolate, unless it happens to be w/ peanut butter.
-My best friend Kat wants to put me on "what not to wear" on TLC, and I secretly fear this might be a good idea.

As for the pass ons:
My Plaid Pants because she's become an interesting read, a good listener, and a new friend :)
Alyssagoesbang because she is, afterall, super stylish, and she inspires me.
Everyday A because her blog has a new layout that happens to be super stylish, and she makes me laugh
Jumble Mash even though I'm pretty sure she's already got this blog award a bazillion times...
and finally...
Doc Cynicism because I hope it might make him slightly uncomfortable to know he is stylish. =)

Thanks!  This was a real highlight to my less than happy few weeks... Here's to good things to come. <3

Update to The List!

I really should have listened when Miss Amy suggested making a list with three items on it, because three is not too few that it might be considered easy, but not too many that you can't feel good when you finish them all...

I didn't really get through most of my list the way I wanted, but thankfully my imagination and propensity to talk myself into anything really aids in helping me feel better about my lack of accomplishments this week...

*Val's Real World To-Do List*

-Buy water bottle for Jasper (rabbit)  

I also bought new bedding and changed his cage out, so +1 to me.

-Send out Job Applications/Resumes

 I sent out, like, 2.... so that counts. 

-Look into Substitute Teaching Licence

-Buy Shorts/ Flip Flops 

Was told to wait on this for Sharkboi so we could go together... 

-Clean Squirt (car) 

Squirt is already in the shop until Monday, w/o getting cleaned, so really, I still win. Maybe even +1

-Get Squirt fixed (so it stops overheating everyday) 

We're working on this still.

-Fill out unemployment paperwork

-Pick up final paycheck from Rec 

It was practically gift wrapped for me, so I couldn't NOT get it.... 

-Pick up check from BN

 I forgot, I don't get one this week... so that counts... easy-peasy.

-Go to the Bank

See, peeps!  Even without actually doing some of my tasks, I still managed to cross them off!  If that isn't optimism, I don't know what is...