Milo the Cat

This is a fiction piece that I was inspired to write thanks to an offhand comment by my good friend My Plaid Pants about a Cat, a Car, and being stung by a bee.  Hope you enjoy it.

***

Boy, have I had a shitty day.

I' have overheard my people say, "Oh, to have the life of a cat!" sigh in awe of a life of no responsibility, plenty of relaxation and pampering, and treats, but I am here to assure you that life of a cat, especially in my case, is not, in fact, as easy as you might think.

Don't get me wrong, 99% of the time, my life is grand.  I spend my days lying in a pool of sunshine on the living room carpet, my paws stretched out far and wide, purring like there is nothing more satisfying than having my own private sunny island all to myself.  I spend my nights annoying the dog, knowing that she likes to sleep on the living room couch, so I swat at her tail and make her twitch.

She doesn't find it nearly as amusing as I do.

My troubles, however, started this morning.  One of my people, the "dad", left for work this morning pretty early -- earlier than he usually leaves, which is when it's still dark outside.  I, for one, don't understand why humans will get up and leave the house in the dark.  Don't they understand that there isn't anything that important that can't wait until daytime, if they have to go out at all?  Geez.

They haven't figured out yet that I like to hide near the door and plot my escape.  Well, maybe they have figured it out, but they can't stop me.  I'm a cat on a mission.  Anywho, so he left (in the friggin' dark), and I made my way out, too.  I was excited for my day of wilderness adventure.  Little did I know what was in store for me.

I made it out of the house and into the yard.  I skirted my way through the garden, climbed the recyclable can, and then jumped onto a low branch to take stock of my new kingdom.  There were a few birds in the tree, which I despise, so I hissed and took a swipe, and they left my tree.

Milo, +1.  Birds, 0.

Unfortunately, while I was trying to prove my superiority over the pesky birds, I got assaulted!  I don't think you can understand my plight.  Something bit my ass.

SOMETHING BIT MY ASS!

I made a guttural howl and booked out of there.  The vegetarian, or whatever they call the guy who tries to stick that stick thing up my butt, would later tell my people that I was "stung" by a bee, but I'm more inclined to believe that this "bee" tried to kill me and deserves sweet revenge.

Milo, 0.  Bee, +1.  Bravo, bee, bravo.  Just wait.

I tried to make myself feel better by prowling a little more, but sadly, I only made it to the street before I started to feel a little nauseous.  My stomach was churning, and I wasn't sure why.  I hadn't eaten anything in a while.  I jumped up onto the hood of this tiny car (and I mean tiny!  I can't even believe these gigantic-sized humans actually fit into this miniature car) and tried to lay in the sun a little bit.  I thought maybe the sunlight would make me feel better, but it turns out that jumping onto the car was what it took to make me sick.

Yep.  I totally ralphed on the hood of this little maroon car.*

Oops.

I managed to stumble home where the "mom" found me laying next to the door.  She took me to get help, ASAP and I'm finally fit as a fiddle.  The vegetarian prescribed lots of lounging in the sun, on the living room carpet, and swatting at the dog.  I think I can handle this for a while.

By the way...

Dear Miniature Car Owner, 
If you're reading this, you can leave the cleaning bill to the car in the big Maple tree on the corner of Alpine Boulevard.  Be sure to leave it in the care of "Pain in the Ass Bee Who Tried to Kill Milo".  
Sincerely,
Milo the Cat

*Don't worry, the vegetarian gave me a stick that was only slightly less painful than the attack by the ass-exploding bee, but it cleared my sickness right up.