Peeps, lend me your ears and brains for a smidge, okay?
I come to you with questions and in need of suggestions. A friend of mine and I have been chatting this week regarding girls and love lives and all that shit that should be grand but is really a pain in the ass. Back story is she had accidentally had a tooth-chipping mishap, and I explained that she needed to find someone who would be willing to kiss said chipped-tooth to make it "all better". ( I don't want any comments about how lame that sounds, either.)
All in all, that conversation turned into us deciding that she would need to make an application for new prospects, so that she could weed out the ones she knows she wouldn't like right off the bat and concentrate on the ones who fit the bill. Therefore, we came up with these questions to get our "Girlfriend Application" started.
Girlfriend Application
- What is your idea of the perfect date?
- How do you feel about chivalry (i.e. holding the door open, pulling out a chair, killings bugs, paying for meals, etc.)?
- Would you kiss a bruise/bump/chipped tooth?
- What is your favorite game at a carnival/boardwalk, and would you let your significant other win just ‘because’?
- Is cuddling
- A.) Exciting and endearing, B.) Annoying, or C.) A necessary evil?
- Have you ever sought mental health treatment?
- Have you had a stable relationship?
- Have you ever stalked an ex?
- Have you ever rented a U-haul*? In what time frame?
- Have you ever purchased a pet with a significant other to make your relationship more like a family*?
*Indicates Lesbian-only relationships
Those of you who are familiar with lesbian relationships will know the old joke... What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-haul. Also, if you know a lesbian couple, you will know they probably have a cat (though some branch out and get dogs... modern-lesbians...).
This survey/application can be relevant to ALL relationships, and I would hope that if I'm leaving stuff out, which I probably am, that you will comment and tell me so I can update this application for my friend. I'm sure she will appreciate it a lot!
Also, sorry for the lack of formatting continuity... it is very late, and I am very tired.
ReplyDeleteI can not formally apply because I'm married but I can still answer these questions because I'm drunk:
ReplyDelete1. An orgasm
2. I often forget to be chivalrous, but I demand for people to be chivalrous towards me
3. Yes, but I might gag while doing so. Do I still get a point for that?
4. I hate all carnival games because they are obviously fucking rigged; yet the operators, game elements, and prizes all have the audacity to stand there and stare at me like there's something WRONG WITH ME for not being able to get a round fucking basketball in an oval fucking hoop.
5. It depends. I guess you can say I like to cuddle. But only if I'm the one who initiates it. I like to get drunk and start feeling all cute and then go and shove myself into someone's lap (my husband's, mostly) and start batting my lashes and pawing their face. However, I do not appreciate males who like to cuddle. That is unmanly and I will not tolerate my men being unmanly. But I do appreciate them tolerating ME when I feel an attack of the cuddles taking over.
6. No. Should I?
7. I wouldn't want to be; stability sounds boring.
8. Yes, I stalked my husband a few times when he was my boyfriend. And obviously I did a good job at it because I was able to trap him.
9. Yes, via my stepdad, when I was eight. I know u-hauls are a lesbian thing, so I feel compelled to point out now that i had my first girl kiss when I was eight and my stepdad is gay. Yikes, fucking questions about U-Hauls dig up personal shit, huh? Haha.
10. Straight people do this, too. But we call it "practice" for when we have "real" kids.
Please let me know how high off the charts I scored on this application. Thank you.
i'm not a lesbian or drunk but i am in fact bored so here i go... (oh and also, i love lazi)
ReplyDelete1. depends on where we are in the relationship and how much i'm diggin him. first date i love grabbing a beer at a low-key but nice place and seeing if we want to go anywhere from there. show me a good time, it can be done pretty much anywhere. that wasn't meant to be dirty, but it SO was. moving on...
2. i appreciate it when i see it/recieve it but don't expect it. especially because so many guys are terrified of extreme feminists and i'm often mistaken for one. but manners count, so if you're walking in front of me, hold the fucking door. and i won't kill a bug but anyone around me, male, female, whatever, had better to be able to or i'll just cry. as far as paying, the asker should pay and the askee should offer. duh.
3. as long as it's nowhere near a foot
4. i don't even know what games there are these days, as i shy away from the boardwalk since the attack of the snooki. but fuck that shit, if you can't handle a chick beating you in a game fair and square, you're not man enough for me. next.
5. this is a weird one for me. i only cuddle with certain people. as a rule, and as you know, ALYSSA DOES NOT LIKE TO BE TOUCHED unless we're talking dirty touches. and after that, unless the guy and i are on the level of knowing each other's parents and shit, i don't cuddle. with the right guy it's great, with the wrong guy it makes me want to puke.
6. yup. i'm still a nutjob but a less panicky one than i used to be. soo there ya go. i embrace my crazy.
7. stable as far as we lasted a few years and i didn't cry or make him cry all the time? yes.
8. no, i've only stalked to determine whether i wanted them in the first place. how attractive is my honesty on this thing?! god i'm such a catch.
9. no in the literal way, and no in the lesbian way because i don't really get it. help?
10. that would require me to live with a guy and since i haven't been with anyone cuddle-worthy in quite some time, that would be a big resounding hell no. but i would do that. but fuck cats, it'd be a dog.
*questions i would add:
11. what do you think of tattoos/do you have any? (some people have very strong opinions about (against) tattoos and girls who have them and since i have 10, this is an issue more often than you'd think.)
12. do you like dave matthews band? (kidding. sort of.)
A ha. I love this. I'll answer too! And I'm a lesbian! And I'm not drunk! [But I'm probably not the best catch right now.]
ReplyDelete1. Dinner at a cute bistro-type place and a great bottle of wine. Preferably during a weekend getaway.
2. I am usually more chivalrous than the girls I date, but I appreciate it being returned too.
3. Sure.
4. I'm with lazidaisical - they are all rigged. And I have better things to spend my money on like the wine!
5. Cuddling is nice with the right person. But, space is also very necessary. I'll start and end the sleep cycle with cuddling, but I usually find space for the actual sleep part.
6. Yes. The Dar Williams tune comes to mind... "And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think. That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink. But oh how I loved, everybody else when I finally got to talk so much about myself."
7. Stability is an illusion.
8. Stalked as in effbook stalked maybe. Never the stalker stalking.
9. Refer to this blog post: http://myplaidpants.com/blog/2009/7/22/the-lesbian-u-haul-circle-of-life.html
10. No. I rescued a dawg b/c I wanted one and then the girlfriend got jealous of me 'giving more attention to the new dog' than her and me wanting her to sleep with us put her over the edge. Not sure if that counts or not.
[I like to ask the question about favorite starbucks drink. If they say frappucino with extra whip and caramel topping, chances are, it won't work.]
Genius. I totally thought about doing one of these on my blog ages ago.
ReplyDeleteThen I met an amazing girl (blogger) and fell in the love and didn't have to.
Niiice work. But I can't answer, cuz I'm a big dumb man. But I hope your friend get a great girl.
ReplyDelete