Not Gonna Make It

Indie Ink Challenge Time... Hooray! This week I was challenged by Steffani, who writes inklings (and awesomeness) over here.  My challenge was received by the lovely Alison Newt, who rocked it hard with "The Eldest of Two".  Please Please go read their responses when you're finished here. 

"Not Gonna Make It"

“Now look what you’ve gone and done.  Why did you have to pull in this lane? Obviously everyone is moving over because there is something going on up ahead.  You’re not going to get anywhere being in this lane, idiot, and we are not going to make the show!  I paid good money for these tickets… if we miss it, you’re giving me money.”

She was right. The parkway was a parking lot, and I was trapped in the wrong lane.  Still, there was no need for her to preach to me; it’s not like she’s never made a mistake in her entire perfect life.  No.  She puts her pants on one leg at a time, same as me.  As for giving her money, she’s got another thing coming.  I finance her weekly Spa trips and she gives me nothing.  She can shove these stupid tickets up her tight ass.

“No, Mike, the OTHER lane.  The OTHER lane.  Move over.  No, don’t let him go past you.  You know what your problem is? You’re too nice!  You’re too sensitive; you have no cut-throat instinct!  You need to get tougher.  Are you a man or are you a wuss? Grow a set and merge like you mean it… do I need to get out and stop traffic?”

Am I a man? Of course I’m a man.  Who does she think she is, asking me if I’m a man? How dare she?  If I weren’t a man I would have smacked her across the face right now for her behavior.  Is she a lady? Not that I’ve seen in a long, long time.  She has a mouth like a truck driver.  She burps louder than I do, for chrissake.  Where are her manners?  Where are her lady-like qualities? M.I.A. if you ask me.

“Michael, get your act together!  Christ, and they say women are bad drivers!? They obviously haven’t been in the car with you!  You know I should have driven; we would have already been through the damn Tunnel by now.   I’m never letting you drive to the city ever again…. Michael, are you listening to me?  Am I talking to myself?  What the fuck.”

Don’t answer her.  She’s baiting you.  She wants you to snap so that you’ll be the bad guy for a change.  Don’t answer her.  Don’t answer her. Don’t answer her. Keep it together, kid.

“I’m driving home, that’s all there is to it.  I don’t think I can handle watching you pussyfoot through this disaster anymore tonight.  Oh, see that, the Drive Around It App says that there’s an accident up ahead.  Michael, pull onto the shoulder… the shoulder, Michael!  See everyone else doing it?! Just follow along… you’re good at that…"

No, you know what I see everyone else doing?  I see them working together to get out of a terrible situation.  I see them trying to help the victims of the accident.  You know what I hear all fucking day long, Liz?  I hear the people I love and trust telling me to rid my hands of you, you stupid bitch, but I don’t.  I stay loyal to you because somewhere in that shell of a soul-sucking-dream-killer is the woman that I fell in love with many moons ago.  MANY moons ago.  Ya know what… Fuck this shit.  I’m done.

“Get out of the car, Liz.”

“What do you mean, get out of the car?  Are you insane?”

“You heard me, I said get out of the car.  Now.”

“You’re finally going to grow a spine, after all this time?”  She laughed.  She laughed so hard she snorted.  “That’s a good one.”  

***

Prompt: "Uh, I don't think we're going to make it." 

Girlfriend Application

Peeps, lend me your ears and brains for a smidge, okay?  

I come to you with questions and in need of suggestions.  A friend of mine and I have been chatting this week regarding girls and love lives and all that shit that should be grand but is really a pain in the ass.  Back story is she had accidentally had a tooth-chipping mishap, and I explained that she needed to find someone who would be willing to kiss said chipped-tooth to make it "all better".  ( I don't want any comments about how lame that sounds, either.)

All in all, that conversation turned into us deciding that she would need to make an application for new prospects, so that she could weed out the ones she knows she wouldn't like right off the bat and concentrate on the ones who fit the bill.  Therefore, we came up with these questions to get our "Girlfriend Application" started.  

Girlfriend Application

1.      What is your idea of the perfect date?
2.       How do you feel about chivalry (i.e. holding the door open, pulling out a chair, killings bugs, paying for meals, etc.)?
3.      Would you kiss a bruise/bump/chipped tooth?
4.      What is your favorite game at a carnival/boardwalk, and would you let your significant other win just ‘because’?
5.      Is cuddling
1. A.) Exciting and endearing, B.) Annoying, or C.) A necessary evil?
6.      Have you ever sought mental health treatment?
7.      Have you had a stable relationship?
8.      Have you ever stalked an ex?
9.      Have you ever rented a U-haul*?  In what time frame?
10.      Have you ever purchased a pet with a significant other to make your relationship more like a family*?

      *Indicates Lesbian-only relationships

      

           Those of you who are familiar with lesbian relationships will know the old joke... What does a lesbian bring on a second date?  A U-haul.  Also, if you know a lesbian couple, you will know they probably have a cat (though some branch out and get dogs... modern-lesbians...).

This survey/application can be relevant to ALL relationships, and I would hope that if I'm leaving stuff out, which I probably am, that you will comment and tell me so I can update this application for my friend.  I'm sure she will appreciate it a lot!

"To Remain Silent"

"To Remain Silent"

”Your mother was a cunt, and she should have swallowed.”

“That’s what he said?”

“Yes, that is what he said, word for word.”

***

The officers take me into an interrogation room, allowing me nothing but the pleasure of a cold, steel chair.  

The light above us flickers along with a buzzing sound, cluing me in to the fact that there had been no renovations on this building in the last century, if not longer.

I sit with my ankles twisted behind the legs of the chair, making my shoulders hunch forward a bit.  My hair falls in front of my eyes, giving me an easy way out of making eye contact, which I never really enjoyed to begin with.  

I just keep thinking I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to talk about this.  I don’t want to do this.

The cop stares at me, expecting me to start my side of the story, but my arms are shaking and I’m concentrating too hard on not letting anyone see it but me.   The cop tries to prompt me… bait me, more like it. 

“Why don’t we start at the beginning… where were you tonight?”

My palms start to sweat. 

The light is still buzzing, and I develop an eye twitch. I’m sweating, but I’ve got the chills. I’m holding my arms like they’re an infant, trapped against my stomach.  My eye is twitching.  My ankles are wrapped around the chair.  I am in big trouble.

“In my apartment.” 

I feel like keeping it succinct, like matching the syllables up, even with the same number in the officer’s question is the right thing to do.  It levels the playing field.  It keeps us even. In sync. 

“Was anyone with you?”

“No, I was home alone.”

I see the bad-cop nod to the silent one, and I realize that this is exactly what they’re expecting to hear out of me.  I want to tell them that it isn’t what they think, but they’ve already made up their minds about me.  Figures. 

Bad-cop’s eyes don’t really meet mine, almost like he doesn’t really care about the answer, just hoping that it will come out in a timely manner so that he can write this up, close the case and go home.  I think to myself that I am an idiot for being here, and no one really cares about my side of the story.  I should just go home, pack my shit up, and head out of here as fast as possible, but it’s too late now.  They won’t let me leave.

I aim to uncross my ankles when the silent cop finally looks up from his case folder, sighs, and tells the other cop to leave.  Bad cop stares for just a second, but indulges his partner and heads for the door, to which I breathe a sigh of relief.  I don’t like him, or his eyes.  They’re cold and steely, and made for beating hardened criminals, not people like myself.  Here is where I get to my point, my reason for being here tonight on the cold, steel chair and the buzzing light above.

Silent cop looks at me expectantly.  He knows that I know that it is time to give up the scared little girl routine and get down to brass tacks. 

“I don’t know where to start,” I said, lamely.

“Well, how about this… we’re reporting a domestic assault, correct?” he prodded.

“Yes, sir.  My boyfriend, or ex boyfriend, he came home drunk tonight and went after me.”

***

My prompt was: 

            Use the most offensive phrase you can think of in a short story no less than 500 words, without censoring it or yourself. I was challenged by Octoberesque.  I challenged Kat at Kat's Page with the challenge of "Dear Diary".  You can see how she rocked it by clicking on the little link!  

Go to Indieink.org to check out all the rest of the challenges!

Vanity

I got my eyebrows done yesterday, and they feel much thinner than usual. 

Ahh, screw it.

Tonight as I basked in all that I had accomplished in the last week, I was debating whether or not to share these little tidbits with you, Peeps.  I pondered to myself if any of you would care about my mundane blitherings, and then I realized... I don't really care.

Hahahahaha.

So, here's a small list of the things I did/found out/ liked this week:

*Bought a Slytherin tee shirt for HP 7.2
*Saw HP 7.2 and geeked out over it.
*Was disappointed at the end of HP 7.2
*Joined the gym (WOO!)
*Ran (further than I would if I were running away from a flying being) at said gym
*Had a "why me" encounter at the gym that left me shaking my head.
*Picked up my bride's maid dress for Alexis' and Dave's wedding
*Watched Alexis fight with multiple people today over stupid things
*Did six HORRIFYING minutes on the Elliptical machine.
*Found a winning scratch off in the parking lot of Target.
*Got a ticket for rolling through a stop sign (THAT EVERYONE ELSE ROLLS THROUGH, TOO)

What a week.  What'd you Peeps do?

<3 Sunshine

Snip Snip

Peeps!  For your reading pleasure....

***

She came in and sat down in front of me.  

There were no pleasantries.  There were no laughs, hugs, or extra smiles if they weren’t absolutely necessary.  It wasn’t so much an awkward silence, as it was more that we both knew what our purpose was and we kept to it.  That’s fine with me.  I don’t really want to be a therapist.  I am not here to hold your hand or be your mother, despite what other people in my shoes would tell you. 

This girl, this child almost, was in misery.  I stood back, watching her face in the mirror as I worked methodically, and wondered what happened to her that this was the ultimate result.  Tears streamed down her face.  Her eyes, bloodshot and swollen, looked as if they’d been leaking for hours with no break.  Her nose, as well, was cherry red as she repeatedly wiped it over and over, struggling to maintain a modicum of composure.

Realizing that she wasn’t going to want to talk to me, I started humming to myself.  It was just a tune, I couldn’t put my finger on, but as soon as I finished the first string of notes, she glared at me through the mirror.  Her gaze sent chills down my spine, and froze me to the bone, so much so that I actually stopped what I was doing, mid-action.  I immediately lowered my tone and set back to work, hoping to get rid of her as fast as possible, now that I was feeling extremely uncomfortable. 

As I finished up, I was still humming, and it escalated into a crescendo.  This crying woman in front of me looked about to kill me.  I cleared my throat, obviously flustered, and said the only thing I could think to say….

“…would you like to schedule your follow-up appointment for a color treatment?”

The glare on her face told me that she wouldn’t be coming back to this salon ever again.  That’s when I realized what I'd been humming... 

I guess that’s why they call it the blues.

***

I love Indieink!  I am back in the challenge, baby!  Yay!  

This week I was challenged by the most awesome Michael over at Incidents and Accidents with the prompt "I guess that's why they call it the blues".  In turn, I challenged Stefan, my first international follower (!!!!) with "somewhere over the rainbow".  You can see his response H.E.R.E.

End of an Era

I am going to go out on a limb here and expose myself to all of you.  No, not that way, you creepers.  

You see, I am a Harry Potter freak.

This week marks the end of an era for me.  With the final installment of the Harry Potter series will also come the end of my proverbial childhood.  I know, I know, peeps, I'm sure you're all thinking, 'Val, don't be so dramatic. It's just fantasy."

But, no.

It's not just a story to me; it's become a part of me, a part of my collective psyche, and the characters have become my friends.  It is fun way to leave reality and become something or someone different for a short time.  It is an escape from the sucky things in life, as is all great fiction, really.

Okay, so, here I am letting my freak flag fly.  But the best part is, there are a lot of other freak-flag-fliers this week making it known!  How awesome is that! I love that the HP Freaks are flooding the internet, the streets, the world... and they don't care :)

So this post is actually being stolen from Jess at It is a big deal, it is to me! (who is just awesome, and you all should check her out if you haven't already done so).  She wrote a post the other day about HP, about all her favorites from the books and movies.  I am going to borrow her categories very nonchalantly and hope that she likes me enough to look the other way (after she's read my post, obviously).  So, here goes!

Favorite Non-Lead Character:  Ginny Weasley.  She doesn't really say a lot, and she's not really central to anything beside as a love interest for Harry, but Rowling really let her grow into a strong young lady.  I love her.

Best Teacher at Hogwarts:  McGonagall was my favorite presence at Hogwarts, but I have to say that my favorite teacher would be Hagrid.  I was so excited in book three when Professor Dumbledore let him teach Care of Magical Creatures.

Favorite Mythical Creature:  Centaurs.  Hands down.

Course at Hogwarts I'd most like to take:  Charms with Professor Flitwick.  Ever since the Sorcerer's Stone movie when they were being taught WIngardium Leviosa... Swish and Flick!

Best Quidditch Match:  When Ron saved the Quaffle, and became "Weasley is Our King".

Favorite Villain:  Draco Malfoy.

Favorite Member of the DA:  Luna Lovegood

Favorite Novel and Film: My favorite novel was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.  It was the first time that the kids had actually had to be grown-ups.  My favorite film was the Order of the Phoenix because it was put together so well.

Favorite Character: Dobby.

Here lies Dobby, a Free Elf.

Why me?: Story-telling Customer

The last few days, according to Glass Is Half-Empty, were slightly a bummer.

Well, I am here to share with you something that made those not-so-wonderful days worthwhile.  One of my customers gave me a gift this week, and I was so touched and inspired that I felt a desperate need to share it with you immediately. But, before I do, I am going to pass on the information that my co-workers shared with me after this customer had left.  They said, in no uncertain terms, that I was not to give the gift back to the man, and I was not to leave it lying around where he could see I'd neglected it.  Simple, easy directions.  Also, they passed on congratulations to me and informed me that I was now a "real" member of the group.  

Here is the gift, written word for word, as (one can only assume) intended by the author: 

"Happy New Year"

Many moons ago I was a lad of 10 years old

Sitting with paper and pen

I was also trying to  eat

When this dog showed up tired and beat

I didn't want the dog to die alone

So I went out and got a big soup bone

Six bones later I went out to where the dog lay

Spot was barking and barking he wanted to play

I threw out a stick to the dog he bought it back

I threw it out again and spot brought it back again

I say to the dog you are my best friend

I talked to the dog like a silly goof

I said to the dog what is on top of the house

The dog barked roof roof

I said to the dog a question of thee

What is my life going to be

I said not one time but I said three and said that's enough

Spot put his head down and growled 

Rough! Rough! Rough!

I am all out of explanations.  Please feel free to leave anything you can make out of this... and we can start at "Why was this given to me in July?". 

Glass is half-empty

So, peeps, the last couple of days have been a bit of a bummer.  

I tried to come up with a way to sum it all up succinctly, but even that wasn't cooperating with me, so I bailed on that idea as well.

I had an incident at work, at the new job, which I'm sure will amount to a write-up after the holiday passes.
(This incident caused me to gip someone, which makes me feel even worse, because apparently I'm a moral being. Go figure.)

Love life drama ensued.  Really, that should be enough said. I ask for it though, because I keep walking in to it.

I was kept out of the Indie Ink Challenge this week because I missed the deadline for posting a challenge.  To whomever was my chalengee, I apologize.  I don't like to be that person.  I just lost track of time.  Well, I'm really upset about this because the Indie Ink Challenge brings a lot of happiness to my daily life.

A mirror broke in our house... not an average sized mirror... a WALL-LENGTH mirror. Huge. Huge.  GIGANTIC.  Now we're collectively trying to figure out whether or not we're going to have 7 years of bad luck ... how do the circumstances have to present? Does it still count if no one is home when it happens?

I missed this week's episode of Whale Wars.

What a serious bummer of a weekend.
:::shakes my head:::