100th Post

Hooray for the Awesome Blog!  We made it to 100!



Peeps, my 100th post is dedicated affectionately to you.  You are the reason that I write, you, the interweb family who understands and appreciates me, regardless of typos, misdirected anger and resentment, and wordy rants that really have nothing to do with you, but you are subjected to anyway.  You are wonderful, just like this Awesome Blog, so let's celebrate!

Just because I think that it would be fitting, let us commemorate this momentous occasion by replaying an interaction that I had this afternoon while on a lunch/errand date with my friend, Cupcake Caroline.

Let me set the scene for you:

Walmart (the bane of my existence).

Rain, pouring down in sheets, and soaking the bottoms of my jeans and my hoodie.

Cupcake and I had just finished purchasing furniture for her and her gf's apartment, and I was waiting under the awning while she went to retrieve the car.

A lady (and I use that term very loosely) came out of the store, but her walk way was blocked by the cart-bringer- back man, so of course she let her impatience be known by huffing and puffing.

She proceeded to gather her bags out of the cart, and pushed her way to the edge of the awning when I realized that she abandoned her cart in the middle of the walk way.  I noticed, though, that there was a bag still left in the cart, so I grabbed it and made after her. 

Val:  Um, excuse me, I think you left something in your cart!

Rude Jerkface:  Oh, no, that's garbage!

Val:  Are you fucking serious? You couldn't turn to the right and drop it in the garbage can? You're awesome!

Mind you guys, the garbage can was about a foot and a half away from the place where she abandoned her cart.  She literally had to turn her body less than a 45 degree angle and extend her arm to deposit the bag into the garbage can, but no, that was too much for her. 

I keep trying to stay positive, but I'm losing my faith in humanity. 

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

.... Not.

I've been marinating on some of these things for the last couple of weeks, and now I have the time to share them with you fine people.  I know that you all will agree, and hope that I won't be considered so much of a "grinch" for sharing these things that piss me off now that it's after "the holidays".

1.)  Elf on a Shelf.
This little fucking stuffed elf is Creeptacular with a capital C.  Seriously folks, who thought that this was okay?  Not only do you have to purchase this shady ass elf doll for $30, but you have to MOVE IT every night for weeks before Christmas, so you can trick your kids into being "nice" until Santa gets to town.  This would not make my life easier; this would be a major pain in my ass.

2.) The Reindeer Antlers/Rudolph Nose on cars.
Don't you people have to open your windows ever? What is the damn point of turning your SUV into a fictional reindeer?  You look stupid and you make me want to vomit*.  You people with the wreaths on your grills, you make me kinda sick, too.

3.) Charity Ask-For-Your-Change People
Okay, taken the wrong way, and this could make me a douche; however, when I go to the store, I don't want to come out and feel accosted by someone for my change.  If I have change, I will give it to you, I promise, but don't shake your bell at me and make me feel guilty because you've said "Merry Christmas" with that begging-like-inflection that makes me feel like a scum bag because I used my debit card since I didn't have any cash, and therefore have no change to give you.

Also, the charities near my house are getting more and more crafty with their guilt-inducing-askers... since they're using paraplegics and handicapped people who can't walk/talk/do anything but blink... an interesting development.  This pulls on my heartstrings, and I don't like it.  I don't want to feel guilted into giving you money.  I want to do it out of the goodness of my heart.

4.) Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas".
Enough said, amirite?

What pisses you off during the holidays?  What are you glad to see over, gone until this time next year?

"Undiscovered"

This is my first week back to Indie Ink, and I must say, I am definitely feeling a bit rusty.  Thanks a big bunch to My Plaid Pants, Runaway Sentence, and Alyssagoesbang for dragging my ass back into the swing of things. Without further ado, here goes nothing... 

"Undiscovered"

She was sitting perched on the bed when I found her in our bedroom, holding a plain white envelope, with tears in her eyes.  I wondered what she had in the envelope to make her cry, and realized just a minute too late that I already knew.  Inside that envelope was the story of us; our past, present, and future. 

She looked up at me, and the range of emotions on her face was frightening.  There was shock, pain, sadness, confusion, betrayal, and more that I couldn’t even begin to name.  The glare coming from her eyes was enough to kill.

“Chris,” she started, slowly.

“I know.  I’m sorry,” was all I could think to say.

“That’s all you have to say, is ‘I’m sorry’?”  So much for starting slowly.

“I…”

“What are you sorry for? Are you sorry for the fact that I just found this accidentally?  Are you sorry for the fact that you got caught?  Or are you sorry for breaking my heart?”

I could only stand there as she shoved these rhetorical questions down my throat like poison.  The taste in my mouth made me want to vomit, but how could I explain to her that I was just doing this for us?  I couldn’t.  She wouldn’t ever understand.  She is the girl of my dreams, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and for some reason she likes me, too, but this would ruin us, I just know it.

“I’m sorry, I know I should have told you.  You deserve to know the truth.” 

She just looked at me, looked through me, as if I wasn’t really there anymore.

“Chris, I can’t believe you could keep something this huge from me.  You had a child.”

Yeah, I had a child.  I had a baby, the product of a rape, and an unfortunate reminder of the cretin who invaded my life forever in the span of twenty agonizing minutes.

“Sarah, I just can’t talk about it.  I couldn’t talk about it, even with you.”  I closed my eyes and silently prayed to whatever higher being was out there that she would forgive me and understand. 

You see, since we’d been trying to get pregnant, I told her that I wasn’t able to have children.

I lied. 

*** 

This week for the Indie Ink challenge, I was given “You come across an old envelope from your past. What is inside?” by GUS.  I challenged Billy Flynn with "You're in a funk; how do you get out of it?".  Check out his response *here*.

Ain't no Sunshine

Want to know how to spell “livid”?


V-a-l-e-r-i-e.


Yeah, I know it’s been a long time since Sunshine has been hindered by storm clouds, but it’s been one of those days.  I am just to the point where, aside from a select few, I want to scream from the rooftops, “you can all kiss my ass.” (Not you, interweblings, you’re all wonderful.)


But seriously, tonight is one of those nights where I wish I was an anonymous blogger.  Granted that not many of my personal friends and family are actively reading this blog, but some have been known to frequent it, or know people who frequent it… so I can’t really say what I want to say specifically to just vent it all out.  Ya get me?


However, if I could, it would look something like this:


If I could actively hate another human being, it would be you.  I would love nothing more than to turn my hatred for you into a physical event, like cow tipping or archery.  I despise you and everything that you pretend to stand for. You are nothing, nothing to me, and nothing to everyone else.


You are the antithesis of everything I am trying to be; you are a diseased leech and a parasite, both to society and to people I love.  I’ve watched you abuse more than enough people to realize that you are not a good human being or friend.  You take what you want, like a bully, and leave nothing but chaos, destruction, and pain in your path.  You are a terrorist in every sense of the word.


Go away.  Go find some other people to harass.  You gush, spew, and name-drop like it was going out of style, and you create these stories that make you larger than life, so go find yourself with these fictional characters and live in your fantasy world where you are King.  I’m sure you’ll like it there, filled with your ‘subjects’ who will bow down to you, kiss your feet like you think you deserve, and tell you over and over again how wonderful you are.


I just hope that when you break your word and your promises to them, that they overthrow you easily like the nothing that you are, and treat you like the fool you deserve to look like.  I’d say I wish you well, but that’d be a lie.


Yeah, Peeps, it’s been one of those days.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, you read correctly, I am officially a year older. Woot. 

The powers that be proudly graced the world with my presence 26 years ago, and I have been bringing joy, laughter, and sarcasm (when I was old enough to appreciate the skill) ever since.  A big thank you goes out to my parents... dad, I'm sure, has no idea this blog even exists, let alone that he sometimes makes a cameo... and a big shout out to mother dearest "up there" ::looks up and tilts head:: if you can grasp this, props to you. 

Yeah, my mom deserves a big thank you.  You see, when I was occupying her uterus, I almost killed her.  Not like a euphemism or anything, but I legitimately almost killed her.  

She liked to regale me with the story of my birth, and those few months leading up to it, every year the day before my birthday, at which times she would appropriately tell me what she was feeling at the hour that corresponded to way back then.  I have to say, I really miss hearing her tell me that story... but if she were here, I'd probably tell her to shut up and that I knew it all already, and to stop embarrassing me.  Go figure. 

This year I didn't really plan anything for the celebration of my birth. You see, up until two weeks before, I didn't even know what day my birthday was going to fall on. 

Well, while trying to make some plans happen out of nowhere, it seemed that everything was going to fall apart.  The girlfriend was going to come in from East Bumble, Pennsylvania, but her car was in the shop.  I thought I was going to have a party at Tito and Secret Fav's new apartment, but that fell through.  I ended up working until 8:15pm, so no real fun during the day. 

I managed to wrangle up my two best friends Kat and Susie, and my sister, and told them we were going to go for dinner.  The girlfriend called me at 7am on the morning of my birthday and said that she'd fallen off of a ladder and thought she'd torn her ACL.  She was going to come and surprise me, because even though her car was in the shop, she'd worked something out with her sister.  Well, she can't drive with a fucked up knee so she wasn't coming, so I spent the better part of my day trying to console her on the fact that I wasn't upset, and we'd be able to celebrate together some other time, and that she shouldn't be sad -- I did this, via text, from the afternoon up until it was time for me to go to dinner w/ the peeps.  

What happened next, you might wonder? 

My best friend in the whole entire world drove all the way to East Bumble, PA to pick up my girlfriend and bring her to dinner (surprising me) just so that I could see her, bum leg and all. 

Pick your jaws up off of the floor, please.

I know, right! How awesome is that??!  I have the best Best Friend in the entire world, and I have the best Girlfriend in the entire world.  

I couldn't have asked for a better birthday present. 

<3

Cake = Yum.

Best Surprise Ever.

Jax, Me, Susie and Kat.