A Different Sort of Post

This is a different sort of post.  I'm just going to write and try not to hit the backspace button, like I usually do.  I love everyone who reads this, and hopefully you all love me back, so you won't judge me for this written-word-vomit that I'm going to dish out to you all.

What is it about Thanksgiving that makes everyone all self-reflective and internal?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it's the whole 'being thankful' thing, and having to take the time to think about what we're all really thankful for?  Maybe it's the fact that we spend so much time trying to avoid what we really want, and are really happy for, and just keep going on with the lame and mundane? Who knows.

These last couple days of mine have been a whirlwind, that's for damn sure.  I can't even begin to explain all the emotions I'm feeling, but I have realized a few things about myself.  My fears are more than I even knew. My fear of intimacy.  My fear of rejection.  My fear of embarrassing myself.  For someone who always thinks she's so self-assured, I'm really fucked up.

Don't worry, I'm still awesome.  We all know it.

I know it's not resolution time yet, but there are still things I hope for.  I hope to be braver.  I hope to be more secure in myself.  I hope to be able to tell people how I feel, instead of just hoping they'll know.  I hope to be able to say exactly what I want to say without fear of consequence.  I hope to be able to control my verbal vocabulary as well as I can control my written vocabulary, and use it, instead of just looking like a goof.

Don't get me wrong, I like being a goof.  I just wish I had more confidence, I guess.

I don't know where I'm going with all this.  I'm just trying something new and filling a blank page, something else that gives me anxiety.  I need to stop pressuring myself to always have the right thing to say right off the bat, or to be perfect all the time.  I'll get it, I know I will.... I just need to allow myself to get there.

PS. This is the one year anniversary of my blog.  Yay for me :)
(I don't know the exact date; I just know that it was around Thanksgiving, because my first post was about the family asking me "What are you going to do with your life?"... to which, I still have no clue.  No pressure though.)

Thanks for listening, Peeps.