After an incident with my phone this afternoon, I was this close to breaking down and buying the iPhone (with money I don't have). Unfortunately, my current phone is still in working order, and thus, I have no reason to go and put myself in more debt to buy myself a new toy. I mentioned to a friend, after posting on Facebook that I believed my phone to be for-real dead and having it come back to life, that that was a good segue into how I could manage to get someone to buy me the iPhone, or give me enough money to buy it myself. I will now subject you (the tens of tens of you that may or may not read this) with a list of things that I can arguably do to earn money for my new iPhone.
Things I Can Do To Make You Want to Give Me Money
(either because you actually want to, or want to see me go away)
*Sing Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby from memory
-Yes, I can do this. Do you want to see it? No, probably not. However, I believe that this could earn me some money, maybe as a side act in the freak show for Ringling Brothers.
*Do a Cartwheel
-After being dared by Brother Morgan last summer, I proved I can still do this and not hurt myself, which in and of itself is worth something.
*Cheat at miniature golf.
-Aside from the fact that I probably don't even have the money to pay for a game, I think being able to cheat in miniature golf is an exceptional skill that most people lack. I, myself, am a master at this, because it takes legitimate skills to make your opponent believe you actually got a 2 instead of a 4 while they're watching.
*Flip my eyelids inside-out.
-This is one of my most favorite tricks. Most people I show it to are severely scarred for life and refuse to talk to me until I put them back the way God intended them and promise never to do it again... This is where "throwing money at me to go away" would come into play.
*Extracting obscure ringtones from Phonezoo.com and sending them to all of my contacts
-I know how much my Susie loves this, and if she could, she'd pay me money to (not) do this for her everyday. She's practically told me so.
*Recite the 50 states in alphabetical order
Try me. Then, pay me handsomely. (Thank you, Girl Scout Camp)
No applause, just send money.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Talking to God through People.
I have a problem.
Hello, my name is Valerie, and I'm addicted to arguing over Religion.
It has come to my attention that I have a ridiculously terrible habit of starting fights with people over their chosen beliefs.
After being subjected to spending most of my formative years in Catholic School, attending church on the regular, and studying my religion 'religiously', I finished 8th grade, was no longer 'forced' to be there, so I promptly dropped my "Roman Catholic" faith, and to this day have been trying to find a faith that suits me better, all the while fighting people over the inconsistencies that I've found over the years.
In 2004 I started a program that allowed me to have a Higher Power, and my version of "God" (whatever I wanted him/her/it to be, whether it be the Moon, a door handle, or an old man that looked like Professor Dumbledore from Harry Potter, which I actually picture for a small amount of time). I learned that it was okay for everyone to have their own verison of "God", their own faith, and their own ways to handle Life. I started thinking to myself that everything would be great, we'd all be taken care of by that parental figure in the sky, and life would be sunshine and roses for all time.
Boy, was I wrong.
Someone I'd like to refer to as "The Desk-Stealer" is pretty deep into religion, and the more that Desk Stealer indulges in prayer and being a "good Christian", the more I want to scream "you are an idiot and a sheep!" into her face. After reading it for a religion course in college, I honestly have come to the conclusion that the Bible, while a wonderful story meant to lift people's spirits and enhance their belief system, it cannot possibly be held as a genuine document of fact. There are too many discrepancies to list here, but in all fairness, read the Old Testament, and you'll find such twisted crap that you'll want to be sick to think that there are actually people who take this word for word. You can't really believe that people tried to build a tower to Heaven so they could speak to God -- there is no way that you can tell me that Abraham actually lived for 900 years. How can that even be possible? It can't. When I confronted the Desk Stealer with this question, the answer I received was even better than I could have imagined: "It can be possible if you have faith." The rest of the conversation goes as follows:
Me: I'm sorry, Desk Stealer, but the Bible is not literal. It's not fact; it's not real. It's a story written by man.
Desk Stealer: It was written by God.
Me: No, (you fucking idiot sheep) it was written by man....
Desk Stealer: ... who God was talking through. God signed it.
Me: ::dumbfounded expression::: What does God tell you to do?
Desk Stealer: Say my prayers ::giggle:: because I'm a good Christian.
Me: (Holy shit, I can't believe this conversation is happening)
Susie tells me that I have a problem -- Desk Stealer is not the only person I argue religion with; I also once argued w/ a self-proclaimed preacher of Born Again Christianity about homosexuality and heaven, and also had discussions with a Nihilistic Deist Goth, who is actually quite insightful.
Thanks for letting me share.
Hello, my name is Valerie, and I'm addicted to arguing over Religion.
It has come to my attention that I have a ridiculously terrible habit of starting fights with people over their chosen beliefs.
After being subjected to spending most of my formative years in Catholic School, attending church on the regular, and studying my religion 'religiously', I finished 8th grade, was no longer 'forced' to be there, so I promptly dropped my "Roman Catholic" faith, and to this day have been trying to find a faith that suits me better, all the while fighting people over the inconsistencies that I've found over the years.
In 2004 I started a program that allowed me to have a Higher Power, and my version of "God" (whatever I wanted him/her/it to be, whether it be the Moon, a door handle, or an old man that looked like Professor Dumbledore from Harry Potter, which I actually picture for a small amount of time). I learned that it was okay for everyone to have their own verison of "God", their own faith, and their own ways to handle Life. I started thinking to myself that everything would be great, we'd all be taken care of by that parental figure in the sky, and life would be sunshine and roses for all time.
Boy, was I wrong.
Someone I'd like to refer to as "The Desk-Stealer" is pretty deep into religion, and the more that Desk Stealer indulges in prayer and being a "good Christian", the more I want to scream "you are an idiot and a sheep!" into her face. After reading it for a religion course in college, I honestly have come to the conclusion that the Bible, while a wonderful story meant to lift people's spirits and enhance their belief system, it cannot possibly be held as a genuine document of fact. There are too many discrepancies to list here, but in all fairness, read the Old Testament, and you'll find such twisted crap that you'll want to be sick to think that there are actually people who take this word for word. You can't really believe that people tried to build a tower to Heaven so they could speak to God -- there is no way that you can tell me that Abraham actually lived for 900 years. How can that even be possible? It can't. When I confronted the Desk Stealer with this question, the answer I received was even better than I could have imagined: "It can be possible if you have faith." The rest of the conversation goes as follows:
Me: I'm sorry, Desk Stealer, but the Bible is not literal. It's not fact; it's not real. It's a story written by man.
Desk Stealer: It was written by God.
Me: No, (you fucking idiot sheep) it was written by man....
Desk Stealer: ... who God was talking through. God signed it.
Me: ::dumbfounded expression::: What does God tell you to do?
Desk Stealer: Say my prayers ::giggle:: because I'm a good Christian.
Me: (Holy shit, I can't believe this conversation is happening)
Susie tells me that I have a problem -- Desk Stealer is not the only person I argue religion with; I also once argued w/ a self-proclaimed preacher of Born Again Christianity about homosexuality and heaven, and also had discussions with a Nihilistic Deist Goth, who is actually quite insightful.
Thanks for letting me share.
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