Laters, Baby.

Fifty Shades of Gray.  Ever heard of it? No?  Well, what rock have you been living under, because only a recluse or someone on the run wouldn't have gotten their hands on a copy of this verbose example of fan fiction run amok. 

Honestly, the only reason that I picked up a copy of this book was because everyone, and I mean everyone, that I have talked to in the last three months have ranted and raved about how this book needs to be read.  I finally succumbed to peer pressure and broke down and bought a copy on my Nook.  What I have to say about it is this:  wait for the movie. 

Actually, if you're into erotic fiction, you may want to pick the first book up and help yourself to some fantasy. This book borders on the edge of the line between acceptable fantasy and oh-my-god-my-mother-would-kill-me-if-she-knew-I-owned-this... Well, not my mother.  My mother would be rolling over in her grave trying to get my attention, probably saying something like, "Can you read it to me out loud?" or "There was that one time in college."  (She was a character all her own.)

 I've made it through Fifty Shades of Gray and Fifty Shades Darker, but I had to stop because I had major issues with Ms. Steele's whiny-bitch-attitude.  Everytime I turned the page, there was another scene in which she wondered if he was going to leave her, and while that was a valid question at the beginning of book one, there was no need for it through the end of book two.  I thought that was obvious, but who am I?

The other problem with this is that there were certain times in which I found myself ridiculously turned on by the words on the page, and for me this is a problem.  I am a lesbian, being substantially turned on by a MALE, FICTIONAL character.  I've got friends starting to doubt my sexuality from the comments I've been making.  Heck, *I'm* starting to question my sexuality based on where my errant thoughts have been going this week!  Thank goodness for my girlfriend, Helen, because otherwise I might really be in trouble.  (Helen got a shout out! tee hee hee.)

Anywho. I'm just wondering what you guys out there on the interwebs thought of this series.  Can anyone convince me to bother buying the third on the trilogy?  Is there anything redeeming in Fifty Shades Freed?  I trust you, weblings.  Give me the goods, will ya?!

Laters baby.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, you read correctly, I am officially a year older. Woot. 

The powers that be proudly graced the world with my presence 26 years ago, and I have been bringing joy, laughter, and sarcasm (when I was old enough to appreciate the skill) ever since.  A big thank you goes out to my parents... dad, I'm sure, has no idea this blog even exists, let alone that he sometimes makes a cameo... and a big shout out to mother dearest "up there" ::looks up and tilts head:: if you can grasp this, props to you. 

Yeah, my mom deserves a big thank you.  You see, when I was occupying her uterus, I almost killed her.  Not like a euphemism or anything, but I legitimately almost killed her.  

She liked to regale me with the story of my birth, and those few months leading up to it, every year the day before my birthday, at which times she would appropriately tell me what she was feeling at the hour that corresponded to way back then.  I have to say, I really miss hearing her tell me that story... but if she were here, I'd probably tell her to shut up and that I knew it all already, and to stop embarrassing me.  Go figure. 

This year I didn't really plan anything for the celebration of my birth. You see, up until two weeks before, I didn't even know what day my birthday was going to fall on. 

Well, while trying to make some plans happen out of nowhere, it seemed that everything was going to fall apart.  The girlfriend was going to come in from East Bumble, Pennsylvania, but her car was in the shop.  I thought I was going to have a party at Tito and Secret Fav's new apartment, but that fell through.  I ended up working until 8:15pm, so no real fun during the day. 

I managed to wrangle up my two best friends Kat and Susie, and my sister, and told them we were going to go for dinner.  The girlfriend called me at 7am on the morning of my birthday and said that she'd fallen off of a ladder and thought she'd torn her ACL.  She was going to come and surprise me, because even though her car was in the shop, she'd worked something out with her sister.  Well, she can't drive with a fucked up knee so she wasn't coming, so I spent the better part of my day trying to console her on the fact that I wasn't upset, and we'd be able to celebrate together some other time, and that she shouldn't be sad -- I did this, via text, from the afternoon up until it was time for me to go to dinner w/ the peeps.  

What happened next, you might wonder? 

My best friend in the whole entire world drove all the way to East Bumble, PA to pick up my girlfriend and bring her to dinner (surprising me) just so that I could see her, bum leg and all. 

Pick your jaws up off of the floor, please.

I know, right! How awesome is that??!  I have the best Best Friend in the entire world, and I have the best Girlfriend in the entire world.  

I couldn't have asked for a better birthday present. 

<3

Cake = Yum.

Best Surprise Ever.

Jax, Me, Susie and Kat.

Radio Edit

Indie Ink time.  This week's installment is a bit more mellow and somber, compared to my usual wit and sarcasm.  I hope you like it. 

When first challenged with this prompt, I was baffled.  At a BBQ with my friends the other night, I went so far as to say that I had no idea what to write about because I don’t like boys and I don’t like summer.  I gave it some thought, though, and mulled it over during down time at work, and this is what I came up with.

I can see you

I can see you, in my head, when I close my eyes.  I don’t see the real you anymore, though; I see the still-life, beautiful version of you, without any flaws or imperfections, or any sign that you once were sad and human.  I see you smiling a big, goofy grin that didn’t make many appearances in life, but they punctuate my memories of you.  You’re immortal now, in my eyes.

your brown skin shining in the sun

…always irritated me.  You turned so dark during the summer that people confused you with a latina woman. You AND Jacquie.  I always tried (and failed) to maintain a tan like yours, which is probably why I identified more with my Irish side.  I was jealous.  You could sit outside for twenty minutes and be sun kissed, where as I could sit outside for twenty minutes and need ice packs for my blistered legs.  Especially for your wedding to Roger, when I was wearing my strapless bride’s maid dress with racer back sun burn lines that you tried to “blend” with blush.

You’ve got your hair pulled back

… which was rare.  The only times I ever remember you pulling your hair back was when you used to use a scrunchy from the 80’s. 

Dad gave me the good hair, while you and Jacquie had the mousy brown hair that didn’t really do anything.  You tried everything, from cutting it short, growing it long,  bleaching it blonde, going red, and getting a horrible perm.  Your hair was always a hot mess.  I know you would admit this if you were here. 

You always liked my hair, even when it was a “rat’s nest”.  You’d always braid it if I wanted pigtails, and you’d straighten it for me when I’d get too frustrated to deal with it. 

and your sunglasses on

Sunglasses were never your thing, but when you did wear them, they had to be blue blockers.  God forbid you didn’t have them.  Any other type was just junk.  Maybe that’s why I can only settle for Aviators?  I never realized that it might have been from you. 

You would much rather rock the beret, the dickie under your shirts, and a pair of shorts over your leggings, because you needed pockets for your cigarettes and phone, no matter how many times I begged you to stop wearing them.  You were always you, even when faced with adversity.  You always remained true to yourself, a person who, as said by your husband, always marched to the beat of her own drummer.  I hope that I can be as strong as you were. 

I can tell you my love for you will still be strong

We had more than enough fights, arguments, and disagreements.  I regret that.  I know you would have forgiven me long before I would you.  I didn’t say I love you enough, and not because I didn’t, but because I felt to withhold it was punishment.  I love you.  You know how I know for sure?  Because even after all the bullshit, the nightmares that were both of our lives, I still ache to be able to call you and know that you’ll pick up on the other end… that I won’t be listening to “Don’t Stop Believin’” for eternity, and being mocked for doubting whether or not you’re still here.  I love you, and my love for you has grown stronger for every single day.

after the boys of summer have gone.

You would have enjoyed this, mom.  You loved abusing song lyrics into daily conversation.  I hope I’ve made you proud.  I hope, wherever you are, that you’re singing loudly, hopefully on key, and that they’ve got your microphone plugged in and fully charged. 

I love you.

***

The prompt was given by Transplantedx3 ("the boys of summer..."), while I challenged Head Ant, who rocked it here.

Also, I feel that since I remembered to add the prompt this week, I should get a gold star... just sayin'. 

Velvet Verbosity Challenge

I was blog-stalking, and found the Velvet Verbosity 100-word challenge, and the word-prompt this week was "Family".  So, I felt something in my gut, and I wrote it.

"Mom"

Love means never having to say you’re sorry, but knowing you should anyway.

There are so many things that I need to say to you, but you’re gone.  I will write you as many letters as possible until I feel I have said all the things I need to say, but I already know they won’t do any good, because you won’t be able to respond.  You won’t be able to say “I love you” anymore.  You didn’t say it much, anyway, but I know now I always knew.

Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood.